I have officially started counting down. I have 25 more days of classes and 30 more days of work shifts until the end of the semester. Plus 2 (give or take) exams. I am beyond excited. The weather is finally getting nicer and going to class is getting hard. I feel like living in a cold climate is a good decision because if it was warm all the time, I would never go to class. During the cold months, I go to class just to be warm. But now, there is no use. Why go to class and sit inside all day when the outdoors is waiting. It really is getting harder and harder to go to class as the temperature rises. I have skipped 4 class periods this week. Which is not terrible because I did not miss anything. But it was too nice to go sit in a dark and boring classroom for 1 hour and 15 minutes. I would much rather be outside doing anything thing else. I have recently taken up longboarding which is so nice this time of the year. At this point, everyone I know is counting down until summer and I am anxious to get it started.
I have not posted in awhile! And I am sorry for that. I would like to say I was busy. Buttttttt not really. It was spring break and i did basically nothing. I sat around and watched netflix, cleaned out my room, ext. I saw some people that I haven’t seen in awhile. Ya know. Basic boring things. The only exciting thing I really did, was go to Chicago. Which was really fun. I have been there a couple times before but it was only for school purposes. I went on a double date. I was with my boyfriend, Wade, my friend and her (new) boyfriend. They weren’t super official at that point but they are now. Anyway, it was so much fun. We went to the Bean, Navy Pier and Water Tower Place. The bean was pretty average but it gets like that if you see it multiple times. Navy Pier was great but they are in the middle of a remodel so it was half empty. Then of course, Water Tower Place is a 7 story mall. Which was great. Even though most of the stores were way beyond my price range. It was still fun going on a double date. Especially since Wade and I don’t go out much. 😛 I would love to live in a city, but decided not a big city. I would not be able to handle it. Too many people and cars and just too busy for my life. I love being in the middle of everything but not in the middle of everyONE. That is what it felt like in Chicago. There was always people around. There was never really quiet. The streets were insane. I hate using my car horn and there was one going off every second. It was overwhelming. Anything is better than the country though.
So last week it seemed like spring and I was so excited. Now I am on spring break and guess what??? It snowed yesterday. About 2 inches. Today it is 30 degrees and sunny. Tomorrow is supposed to be 50 degrees. I really don’t understand. This is why Wisconsin annoys me because the weather can never make up its mind. I think Mother Nature, instead of having PMS once a month, has it once a year. And it is definitely winter/spring time. I just want to live somewhere were the weather can make up its mind. If it starts to get warmer, then stay warm. Don’t snow. What kind of sense does that make? None. None at all.
I feel like there is a huge difference between being ‘anti-social’ and having social anxiety. Even though the whole of the population believes that they are the same. Speaking as a person who has social anxiety, they are completely different. A whole other spectrum of different. I feel, an anti-social person chooses to be alone. They would much rather spend time alone than with people. Whereas, social anxiety is where the person does not really have a choice. It could be where they are afraid of big groups, being in front of people or just holding a normal conversation with a stranger. Or for some, it could be all of those. Like me. Oh joy. Anywho, so now you know. I suffer from social anxiety which not a lot of people know about. I do not like to share because i don’t want people to feel bad for me/change the way they act around me. Granted, it’s sometimes easy to tell. I always get made fun of because it is like i have two different personalities. There is the quiet, wallflower me that is around when I am in a big group or around people who I do not know. Then there is the outgoing, funny, sarcastic, sassy me that is around when I am in a small group of people who I know and I am comfortable around. Which happens all of the time. One of the ladies I work with was surprised when she found out that I ave worked in a library for 5 years and I want to be a school librarian. She said she can’t see it. That it because the out going me is the one who comes out at work. But i really do love libraries. I belong there. but that is a whole different story. People are always surprised when they find out the real me because it is a 180 from the one the met in class or out and about. And the real me is so much more lovable. Unless you take everything seriously, because then you will not understand me and possibly not like me (like my old roommate). So that is a huge obstacle in my life that I am desperately trying to get over. I have been on medication for about…a year now? ish. And it does help. My best friend could tell, day one, that i seemed a lot happier. But there are still times that i have big troubles. For example, I had to present a lesson plan in one of my classes today. So I had to stand in front of class and teach about something and relate it to music. That class only has 7 people in it, plus the teacher. But man, did I have such trouble with it. I was so anxious about it before hand. Which happens every time. I had such a tightness in my chest and I kept running scenarios through my head. And when I got up there, i went bright red and was stumbling over my words. It sucks so bad. I know I can do it and i have practiced and it is not even that big of a deal. But once a presentation is going to happen, my body totally freaks out. While my brain is up there all yelling “ITS ALRIGHT. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU HAVE THIS DOWN”. My body is just there like “nopenopenope”. There is such a war happening in such a short time. My body always wins. Always fucks me up. But it really is only when I have to be in front of people/the center of attention that I freak out. I don’t freak out in big groups anymore. I am not afraid to give my two cents or say a sarcastic comment. Which helps my real self peek through. Which is comforting to me. Because it shows progress. But it also has a bad side. It makes me more comfortable with myself. Which you would think is a good thing. It kind of is, but eh. Before I went on meds, I would work out because I hated my body. I wanted it to be so I was comfortable in my own skin. Now, I really just don’t care about what I look like, weight wise. Which I absolutely despise because I still hate my body. I just don’t care enough to do anything about it. And it is terrible because the meds have made me gain about 20 pounds. So ughhh. I just can’t win here. I just wish that social anxiety was a more social topic and people understood it more and did not just blow it off as something that I chose. Because I didn’t.
That is supposed to be read in an opera voice. You guys don’t even know how excited I am about this. I live in wisconsin so we do have the four seasons. But it really is 50% winter, and 20% summer and 15% spring and 15% fall. So it really just feels like winter all the time. And guys, it has been over 40 degrees for the past week!!! You can totally see the difference especially on campus. Everyone is happier and the longboards and bikes are out. Girls are wearing skirts and dresses. People are wearing shorts. Its so amazing to see what a change there is in people’s personalities when the temperature changes. Everyone actually has a sense of humor! People aren’t such assholes! During the winter, people bundle up there bodies and personalities. Everyone is so grouchy when it is cold. Which i understand. But wisconsinites should be used to it by now. But maybe that is just me who thinks like that. Any who, i only have 28 more days of classes left for the semester! 33 more days of work and 5 exams!! I’m so excited to be done with the semester. This you can also tell others are ready to be done. No one wants to be here anymore. It’s exhilarating to see changes in not only the weather, but the people around me.
…i had friends. Yes i know that sounds sad and you are probably thinking “oh you have friends”. And granted, i do have few. But they aren’t the kind that live near me and i can call up to hang out. And i have only a few I do see outside of class in the real world. And i definitely do not have as many friends as i used to. Heres the story. In high school, i had a decent group of friends. We were the group who would take up a while table or two at lunch. How you claim the table the first day of school and sit there for the rest of the year. We weren’t the ‘popular’ kids at the long table but we were on the same side of the cafeteria. Anywho, at one point so-and-so #1 and so-and-so #2, got into an argument. That was the splitting point. Most of the group went with so-and-so #1. But I, did not. I went with so-and-so #2 because i knew them longer. So it was so-and-so #2, me and another person. So that was the turning point. The other group, at first, tried to get me to hang with them and i tried back. But because of other events, i was pushed away. And because of other things now, its hard for me to make friends. This is one of the things i highly regret about high school. Especially since I’m not that close with so-and-so #2 anymore. And that no one really knew me. Thats the one piece of information i past on to my younger brother about high school. So there you have it. Once upon a time i had friends and i deeply regret losing them.
This is my first blog post so bear with me here. I decided to make this blog because my ever changing life is pretty crazy. At least in my eyes. I am not one who shares with people about anything that happens in my life so i thought this would be a good outlet for me. There are a lot of things that happen/happened in my life that no one knows about so tada! It will be on here. As of now, I am almost done with college and am on the way to being an actual adult *gasp*. So there are a lot of things on my plate right now, so have fun reading about my ‘wild’ life you crazy people 🙂